and a little more... pour rire un peu plus
THE HOLY and UNHOLY PARROTS
A lady goes to see her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' Isn't that awful?” the woman laments.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots who talk, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship God, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that... that indecent phrase...in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution!”
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered the woman in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and actually praying, their pious little faces upturned toward heaven with beaks moving slightly as they prayed intently to the Lord.
Very impressed, the woman walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with these very devout parrots. After a few minutes, sure enough, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” A long moment of silence ensued. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
THE POPE
The Pope arrives at JFK and he’s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, “Pope.” After getting all the Pope’s luggage loaded in the limousine—and His Holiness does travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver in accented English, “why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.” “That is very much against the rules!” protested the driver, wishing he’d never left Calcutta. “There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. “Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. “Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license,” moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatcher.
When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” said the Chief. “I think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop. “All the more reason.” “No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop. “What’d ya got there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “Governor?” “Bigger than that.” “Well,” said the Chief, “who is it, then?”
“I don’t know,” said the cop. “But he’s got the Pope driving for him.”
A MILLION TO ONE
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered, “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally the man asked, “ God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a minute!”
SHARING
A little old couple walked slowly into a fast-food restaurant one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amidst the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them, and you could tell what the admirers were thinking: “Look, there is a couple who has been through so much together, probably for 60 years or more!” The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one veggie burger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain veggie burger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of veggie burger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” After a long pause, she answered... “The teeth.”